Obama cannot shake hands with a clenched fist or our enemies

The threat alert for our great nation has been red for the past week. Not literally red per se, since according to the Homeland Security Advisory System our current level is an “elevated” yellow, signally only a significant risk of terrorist attack.

But that system is flawed. It doesn’t calculate the exponential increase in probability of a terrorist attack when the catalyst for said terrorist attack is an elected official of the United States of America who lives at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Now that I’ve had a week to let things simmer, we can have a rational discussion about the international incident that occurred at the Summit of the Americas last Friday.

The incident in question was, when at the meeting in Trinidad and Tobago, President Barack Hussein Obama was photographed smiling and shaking hands with evil Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez.

Chavez has been known for being a prime candidate for the position of emperor, if there ever were an election, for an Anti-America Galactic Empire. His resume includes calling President Dubya the devil and, as recently as last month, calling Obama an ignoramus.

It would be an egregious understatement to say that Obama’s jovial attitude toward an enemy is irresponsible. Republican Sen. John Ensign said just that in reference to the repercussions that Obama’s act may have on the diabolical schemes of other anti-American leaders in the world.

Dick Cheney, a veritable Darth Vader, reasoned that Obama’s friendliness to Chavez will lead to the emergence of anti-American “foes” motivated by the apparent weakness of the President of the United States.

Cheney went on to state that the reverberations of Obama’s “cozying up” to Chavez will lead millions of South Americans to have the wrong impression of the standard that this administration has set when dealing with the region.

The ex-vice president believes that the leader of the free world has to be strong and that it is “disturbing“ that Obama is apologizing “profusely” wherever he goes.

Before we allow the President to defend himself, it would benefit us to take a quick look at the evolution of the menacing handshake.

Handshaking began sometime after the development of hands to communicate a camaraderie between two people. The next stage of experimental shaking was pioneered by Will Smith and Jazz in “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.”

But then an evil shift occurred and tainted handshakes by making them an integral part of back alley drug deals and scenes in movies where bad guys agree to do bad things with other bad guys.

The President seems to have a warped view of handshakes: “It’s unlikely that as a consequence of me shaking hands or having polite conversation with Mr. Chavez that we are endangering the strategic interests of the United States.”
This fluffy “we can all be friends” attitude seems to stem from the relationship Obama has forged with his Portuguese water dog Bo.

But the violation of integrity far transgressed the realm of handshakes. Chavez gifted Obama a copy of “Open Veins of Latin America,” a book about American Imperialism.

In response to this, Obama said that it was a “nice gesture” to give him a book, and that he’s a “reader.”

This sort of realist naivete and optimism that foreign policy involves not only military intervention but humanitarian gestures and diplomatic courtesy, seems to be typical for Obama as he heads into his 100th day as President.

Long gone is the age when our nation refused to deal with rogue regimes in fear of legitimizing their practices and we could look an enemy in the eye and say, “You’re either with us or against us. But don’t shake our hand because you’re against us.”

4.24.09

A letter for the purple folder

Barack H. Obama

The White House

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

NW Washington, D.C. 20500

It’s only one stick of a commemorative Barack Obama stamp on the top right-hand corner away from being mailed.

A sealed envelope with my name on it addressed to the White House. That may be considered a terrorist attack and grounds enough to send me a one-way ticket to Guantanamo Bay. Then again, if former President Bush never read his mail, there may be no precedent for this.

But given the possible ramifications, what better place than page 4A of The Daily Illini to print a letter to our new president?

I’m aware that for this message to have any meaning, President Obama would have to read this issue of the newspaper and specifically my article. There are better odds that I’d get a role in “Slumdog Millionaire 2.”

But a certain purple folder may have a different opinion.

In an ABC News blog, Senior White House Correspondent Jake Tapper detailed how every day President Obama is given a special purple folder that contains 10 letters from Americans who have “taken the time to sit down and write to their president.”

Apparently the letters, which were chosen from a pile of thousands, are read by President Obama.

Senior Adviser David Axelrod said Obama absorbs the messages and is able to “focus on the real problems people are facing.”

About 50 percent of the letters are about the economy, while some contain encouraging words.

This pastime helps Obama burst out of the D.C. bubble and exposes him to information that isn’t from officials but derived from experiences of the American people.

Each day, two or three lucky people get a response written by the big guy himself.

If Obama has time to listen to what his citizens have to say, why can’t I feel the pulse of everyday Americans and break out of my own weekly bubble of avoiding all social interaction when writing?

So with a pencil, a notebook and a dream, I took to the street and compiled this letter to President Obama:

Dear Mr. President,

A middle-school aged girl sitting next to me on a bus gave me a lecture, even though she admittedly didn’t know much about the economy, about how people and businesses are in dire need of your guidance to turn it around. The boy next to her asked if there are any secret “beast” weapons in the White House. He then told me his name was Barack.

DI columnist Scott Green penned this question:

“With the economy in a ditch, you alone have the unique ability to make a difference for people on a personal level. So I guess what I’m asking is: Will you blurb my new book?

P.S. Can I call you Barry?”

Billy Wendt, an indifferent/apathetic observer had this to say: “Hey Barack, what about those of us who don’t have AIDS? You know the ones without the jobs/homes.”

Former DI columnist and former employee of yours George Ploss wants to know if you still let Malia and Sasha listen to Chris Brown and if you delegate everything to Michelle. And what your first “dump” in the White House was like.

Abel Haile, your African “brotha” (as he said) asked if you had the power to b****-slap anyone in history, then who would it be?

I’d like to know your opinion on how the media is being too “nice” to you, and how an archbishop warned that American Catholics should avoid a “spirit of adulation bordering on servility.”

Was your nap on the Oval Office sofa amazing? Were favorite television shows your motivation for moving from Thursday your prime-time address to the nation? What do you think of those creepy commemorative plates? Any thoughts on a popularity poll that ranked you higher than Jesus, Gandhi, Honest Abe and MLK Jr.?

But seriously, Mr. President, if we make it into your purple folder, feel free to respond. We’d love to hear about the Portuguese water dog joining your family this April.

Sujay is a senior in biochemistry. He has some videotapes to return.

2.27.09

Dear New Yorker Editor:

Re: A letter in response to Barry Blitt’s cartoon “The Politics of Fear” (July 21st, 2008)

The controversy over The New Yorker’s cover depicting an anti-American Barack Obama in the Oval Office is unquestionably rooted in the darkest ideologies of scare tactics and fear mongering.

Your magazine thinks that the caricature is a satirical lampoon of the mudslinging the right-wing uses to smear Obama. The American people are not that dumb. This nation has waded through enough garbage that the media-machine has fed us during this election and seen the illustration not as harmless, biting satire, but for what it truly is: a tasteless, offensive and libelous attack.

Inevitably, the cartoon will reignite the fiery misconceptions about Obama that he has worked so hard to put out this election, centered on his possible Islamic faith, lack of patriotism and sympathy to terrorism, while fooling the American people into derailing his White House dream.

Oh wise, intelligent magazine, what will you tell the hopeful, young Americans who walk by a newsstand only to lose their fragile grasp on reality after seeing their herald of change worshipping Osama bin Laden, engaging his militant wife in an erotic terrorist fist tap and burning the American flag?

Maybe you can explain that your printing and subsequent defense of the cover show a colossal failure in editorial judgment. Shame on your journalistic enterprise for publishing something without any consideration to how a political campaign may feel about it.

If The New Yorker did not attempt to engage the public with a dry, witty commentary based on ridiculous fears, but instead abided by ethical standards used in the media today and pleased the political campaigns, these vicious rumors may have never been brought to light.

Obama, McCain and the rest of the universe give you an F for successful satire. Unlike right-wing TV host Stephen Colbert who uses his wit and our universal hate of bears and terrorism to educate first with a splash of entertainment second, The New Yorker chooses to poke “subtle” fun at something that not everyone immediately understands. NEWSFLASH, if not everyone’s laughing, it’s not satire.

What your cover does is insult the intelligence of the American people. We aren’t ignorant masses who will latch onto a “satirical” cover and chuckle at your political “commentary.” Instead we’ll decipher your true, cruel intentions.

You try to bring “issues” to the open and hold a mirror up to society’s absurd fears, but The New Yorker underestimates how the true meaning of a picture speaks loud and clear. We will not waver, nor will we be intimidated into reading anything a 14,500-word article may have to say.

The New Yorker can clink its wine glasses and pat itself on the back all it wants, but the American people are not as dumb as you think we are.

For your next cover you should draw a picture of America on the toilet wiping its butt with your controversial cover. For clarity, in big letters the caption can read: THIS S#!T IS SATIRE.

Sujay is a senior in biochemistry who wonders why now it’s cool to like Batman, when last week it was geeky.

7.18.08

More flagrant fouls on Obama

Sometimes when I run into an African-American man over the age of twenty, I have a knee-jerk reaction to talk about the basketball game last night. It’s a stupid urge, rooted in my own excitement and the racial stereotype that all black people like basketball.

In light of this and in fear of engaging in the “fear of hope,” or what “The Daily Show” calls “Baracknophobia,” I’d like to steer clear of speculating on whether Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama enjoys shooting hoops.

If we can be certain about one thing this election, it’s that you don’t mess with the Obama. While Obama isn’t a Mossad secret agent with a thick Israeli accent (an unconfirmed rumor), the Democratic presidential candidate has suffered a wave of race-based attacks.

During a Fox News segment about conservative attacks on Obama’s wife, the graphic on the bottom of the screen read “Outraged liberals: Stop picking on Obama’s baby mama!” As other networks noted, baby mama is an urban slang for an unmarried mother. This myth was quickly busted, since Obama is happily married to his, ahem, babies’ mother.

“The Sock Obama” was meant to be a cuddly presidential toy, made after an “affectionate and charming association between a candidate” and a sock monkey. Instead, many thought the monkey with black hair, a suit, and big red lips made a horrible comparison of African ancestry to primates. The anti-monkey-slander Obama squad was quick to deflate the toy, prepared by a Curious George (in T-shirt form) whack at the senator earlier this year.

A Fox News anchor took her own jab when she suggested that an on-stage celebratory fist pound Obama shared with his wife could be a “terrorist fist jab.” The segment dissected what the fist “thump” may have meant. A body language expert said the fist “pump” may be akin to how her husband squeezes her hand three times to say “I love you,” and she squeezes back four times to dispatch an undisclosed message. She added with a wink that young people are going to like the Obama’s “kind of representing a little bit.”

While the baby mama, sock monkey, and fist thump/pump/jab/pound may not have been intentional racist attacks, they are all obvious examples of poor judgment given the colorful political climate. But as November nears with the possibility of our first black president, we’ll be faced with stories that aren’t as clear cut. It’ll be our choice to decide whether to blow the race-whistle or not.

On a side note, it turns out that the flashy, free-wheeling ball player, nicknamed “Obomber” for his jump shot, felt that while shooting hoops he made his closest white friends “on turf where blackness couldn’t be a disadvantage.”

Oh. So Obama does like basketball.

With five months left on this election game clock, there may be hope for a buzzer-beating shot to send Obama off the bench and into the White. (whistle) I’ll stop with the basketball references.

Sujay is a senior in biochemistry and wants to stress that “Obomber” does not = terrorism. Go Celtics.

6.20.08

Should you be casting a vote for Chuck Norris or Oprah Winfrey?

There’s no way around this, it was bound to happen eventually. November is less than a year away and election races are tighter than ever. With this coming rush to the polls, a monumental battle pitting two American icons of our time against one another is upon us. So wipe those apathetic, angst-ridden looks off your faces, because it’s time to talk politics. It starts now.

(“Delta Force 2: The Colombian Connection” theme music)

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books, he stares them down until he gets the information he wants. Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris. This coming November, Chuck Norris will roundhouse kick Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee into the Oval Office.

(“The Oprah Winfrey Show” theme music)

Oprah Winfrey doesn’t just read books, she rocket-launches them onto the best-seller list. There are no bad people, just people who haven’t witnessed “The Oprah Winfrey Show.” Oprah Winfrey is not afraid to bring a little black to the White House, and a lot of the White House to the Barack Obama promise land.

On the right we have an infinite-degree black belt in coolness and a B-grade action film megastar. On the left we have billionaire champion of all that is good, enough said.

Former Arkansas Governor Huckabee has risen to lead Iowa GOP polls in what has become a close Republican presidential race. Huckabee, who was already on his way to the top spot, officially grabbed the throne once television ads starring Walker Texas Ranger himself, Norris, aired on Iowa cable for a week.

The ads are known as HuckChuckFacts and have had millions of YouTube and mikehuckabee.com hits. They begin with an important policy message from Mike Huckabee: “My plan to secure the border, two words: Chuck Norris.” We then see Norris and Huckabee sitting side by side, exchanging facts about one another.

“Mike’s a principled, authentic conservative,” says Norris, with a stern voice and a look of an imminent roundhouse kick that we all loved in the Delta Force movies.

“Chuck Norris doesn’t endorse,” counters Huckabee, “He tells America how it’s gonna be.”

Norris approached Huckabee (the first man in the history of the universe to not run away from Chuck Norris), to champion Huckabee’s platform. Huckabee is lucky because Norris appeals to anyone who loves horribly acted, shoot ’em up/blow ’em up B-grade action movies, and religious folk who praise his effort to kick the Bible back into public schools. Not to mention the cult following of teens who worship him by quoting well-known Chuck Norris facts.

On the other end, Senator from Illinois Obama is second to Hillary Clinton in Democratic polls. But at the end of November, Oprah came out openly Obama and pledged to support the candidate as a “special guest” on his mid-December road trip. Oprah is even on record saying that she is a firm believer in the “depths of Obama’s moral authority.”

Oprah and Obama are both Chicagoans and have known one another for a while. Oprah appeals to the estimated 50 million different viewers that tune into her daytime talk show every week, and the 6.5 million women that worship her by watching religiously, reading her recommended books and scanning the tabloids for Stedman-marriage rumors.

Hmmm, whom to choose? Quite the dilemma we have here.

A roundhouse kick to the head from Chuck Norris would probably kill you. And Oprah did raise Josh Groban’s “Noel” album sales by 81 percent. Both icons are incredibly powerful.

Two heroes, one presidential dream. Chuck Norris and Oprah Winfrey.

Wait a second, weren’t the candidates Mike Huckabee and Barack Obama? Oh that’s right. Back to the politics.

Celebrities will always have an influence on election campaigns. But it’s up to us to look at the candidates and not let that influence … ROUNDHOUSE KICK! OPRAH SMASH!

Ouch. I’ve said too much. You decide.

12.7.07